it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
