Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
