You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
