Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
