something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Randomize
