Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
