I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
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