Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
3 2 1 whiskey
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Randomize
