I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
