I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
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