I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
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