I'm so fucking centered right now
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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