I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
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