Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
