well I can't set my house on fire every night
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
