This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
