you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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