I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize
