My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Randomize
