gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
He passed out mid-signature
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Randomize
