and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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