i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
