He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
