Porn is love you can see.
love makes seman taste better
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
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