This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
