she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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