never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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