When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
i need to put some appletini on your dick
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
