We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
