Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
My legs feel like baby dolphins
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
