matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
