yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
