so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
