Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
