last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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