is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
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