She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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