Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Randomize
