please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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