If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
