I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
