Ketchup is God's man juice
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
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