To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Randomize
