Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
