Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
