I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Randomize
