Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
