I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
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