so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
