TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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